Explaination- a poem

My parents don’t know

why I excuse myself to the restroom

 every time I finish a meal

 

My friends don’t know

why I drank that

nail polish remover

My brother doesn’t know

why I weigh myself

every morning

and hold back tears while standing on that scale,

 looking down at my around 110 pound

horror

displayed on the small screen beneath me

 

I do all this

 because I

am at risk

 I am at risk

of losing someone

who I wouldn’t know how to

breathe

without

Much less

eat the little amount that I do

 

His leaving

has absolutely nothing to do

with my weight

And I know

this is ridiculous

 

But the irrational, unchangeable corner of my mind

has a way with words

that I cannot resist

And it tells me

that if maybe I

 weighed a little less

and maybe

if I looked a little prettier,

 

He’d be that much more reluctant

to let me go

truth- a poem

You want the truth?

Here it is.

All of it

this is everything that I know to be true

as of October 23rd, 2012

 

As of October 23rd

2012

I know

that there is nothing worse

than feeling the way I feel today

 

And I know

that there is nothing better

than feeling

the way I felt

this time last week.

 

And I know

that

in times like these,

where a whole world

you've built for yourself

can turn upside down 

and come crumbling

around you in an instant,

it is easy

to break.

 

And I know

that as of today,

October 23rd, 2012

I

am broken.

 

Everything

that I had thought to be true

at this time

last week

I now am not sure of at all

 

My castle crumbled today

and im not sure anymore

if i have the energy

to rebuild

 

So tonight,

I'm going to

lie in the ruins

and make

makeshift snow angles

in the falling ashes

of everything I thought I knew

and everything that I was sure of

one week ago

 

But tomorrow

or next week

who knows

what I will think

to be true

 

All I now

is that I know nothing

I am no longer sure of anything

I cant trust mayn things anymore

and I can't

hold on to many things anymore

because I refused to let go of you

and you

broke my fingers

 

And today

I am broken

my spine

is split

from trying to stand

straight enough to impress you

 

And my feet

are blistered and bleeding

from chasing you

through so many

false hopes and

broken funhouse mirrors

 

But this

is not about

resentment

and this

is not about

revenge

 

This

is about truth.

Shine for me- a poem

Shine for me

It's raining where I am

And normally

Rain is just fine with me

Normally,

I'd rather it rain than shine

But today,

Today the rain feels different

The drops

Feel heavy

As if filled with the weight of

Heartbreak

Or rather

Longing

Yes, that's it

Longing

Is it raining at home?

Because its raining here

Where I am

In this bed

It is raining

Clouds so heavy with

The pressure of that

Longing

That they can't help but cry over this bed

And the wind

The wind is unbearable

This storm

Is so bitter

And so cold

That I'm starting to question

If its really September anymore

Or did Jauary pay me a visit

In this bed?

But no matter the month

Or day

Or year

I can't take this storm anymore

So would you please

Please

Shine for me?

Okay- a poem

Okay

It's only 6o'clock 

On a Friday

And I'm cryin over you

 Agin

 For a third time

Whatever you've done to me

Whatever spell you cast

Whatever bewitching  gaze

You threw me

 Threw me for a loop 

Through the haze

Got me in a daze

And this mist

Hurts

Every time I tell him

Thank you 

for complimenting me

I'm thinking of you

Wishing you were the one 

saying it

Remembering when you used to be the one 

saying it

This hurts

I gave you my heart

An haven't gotten I back yet

But that's okay

Because you have me something

In return

You gave me an anchor

With your name

Etched on the side

To remind me

Of the heart that you still have

This anchor has me chained

To the bottom of the ocean

And though trying to hold on

I don't know if I can hold my breath

Any longer

This anchor

Keeps me from trying

To fly again

Because even if I were to

Wash up on shore

And try to soar

I'm still chained to your name

Still chained to you

Still stuck on you

And I hate to say it

But it almost makes me wish I

Had the courage to

Fuck you

When you asked me to

then maybe 

You'd still love me

Maybe this wouldnt be happening

But now I remember

That it is

This is happening

On a Friday night

At 6o'clock

While I'm crying over you

Again

For a fourth time

And in the end

All I've got to say is

'I miss you' 

And in the end

All you said was 

'okay'

Okay?

I only wish

I was as 

'okay'

As you are

All I'm asking for 

Is a little

Understanding

A little

Information

And maybe even a little

Pity

Now I don't think 

that's too much to ask

Okay?